While I am not one to boo-hoo on the blogosphere I feel that i must share how God touched our lives this July.
I found out I was pregnant with blessing number 3 in May. We were so excited! But I knew something wasn't right - very little morning sickness. Yes, I know each pregnancy can be different but still, it just never set well with me. Week 10 - the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat. But we didn't worry too much because they couldn't find one with Mikey either at 10 weeks. It is a doppler afterall and the little stinkers like to hide from it.
On the night of July 4th I was 12 weeks and started bleeding. I was shocked. I was terrified. And Jason was out on call. I hurriedly called him- no answer. Odd. Again and again I called, sobbing now and fearing the worst. Jason always answered his phone, why not tonight? I felt lost and alone. I put the kids to bed and then, only then, did I fall to my knees and asked God "Please don't let this be happening!"
But there was my mistake. Running to my husband is not bad in itself, but where I should have ran first was the cross.
I can't accurately describe what I felt as I prayed. It was like a wave of calm washed over me, a peace. It was like God told my heart "I love you, you are losing this baby, don't be afraid". And I knew, I knew the baby was already gone. I trusted God, not because I wanted to, but because the Holy Spirit led me to. I opened my bible and listened to hymns. First one that came up was "You Are My Hiding Place" by Selah. I wept.
And then...Jason got my messages and called me back and then rushed home. I have no doubt that this was orchestrated by God, wanting me to learn to lean on Him.
Wanting to know what had happened I called my midwife the next day and an ultrasound was scheduled. A horrible experience. The tech, after performing the ultrasound, informs us that she can't tell us anything, that we would have to wait for the doctor to tell us. But we knew.
All day we wait, but the process has already begun I am in physical pain, but the worst is my heart. My heart aches.
That evening we find out that the baby was lost at 6 weeks, my body was just now catching up and that they couldn't rule out the possibility of it being an ectopic pregnancy.
We named her (of course assuming she was a she). It felt wrong not to. She was a life, afterall. So we named her after my late grandmother who was very dear. Vada Ann Holder.
It seems like it happened so long ago. Jason was my wonderful supporter during that time, I am so blessed to have him and love him so. I thank God for him and our wonderful church family, many who have been in similar circumstances. They were there with hugs and prayers, how amazing is the body of Christ!
And we remain strong in our belief to trust God in this area. Who are we to think we can control life?
We are trusting God, He is the Author and Finisher of life. May this bring Glory to His Name.